Things seem to go back to the way they were with my life in middle school and parts of high school. In this I mean mean my state of mood. Depression. I have never told anyone about how depressed I was back then, just kept it to myself. I also had frequent thoughts of suicide, but I could never get myself to do it. I'm not depressed to the point where I want to do that now. I'm doing much better than that, but I am depressed. Things are falling apart, people lie, are fake, or just let me down. I have yet to find someone that I can depend on. From the early age, I knew I had to do things on my own, and only depend on myself for everything, but can I get a little helping hand? I tend to catch myself thinking, "What if I did this instead of that, or what if I stayed here, would things still play out the way they are now?" I've decided that I needed to take a break from everyone so that I can miss it. If I don't, I'm deleting everything that gave me some joy or entertainment instantly. Lately the only time I'm at peace is when I'm asleep, but I can't control what I dream about. I need this week to be over with school, friends and life, so that I can stop crying, but I wont let ever let anyone see me crying. Like I said keep my feelings to myself, and put others before me. My friend Travis showed me this song "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse, and even though it's a sad song that I can relate to, it's the only one I can listen to now without crying.
I think it was Woody Allen that said, "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member", basically this means, you only want the things you can't have, and the things you do have, you're not satisfied with. I hate that this my usual ways with everything. I'm not gonna lie, I do like attention. Better yet, I crave it, but I'm not desperate to get it. If I don't get it, I'm not gonna force myself or anyone else to get it. If you give it to me, great! If not, then oh well, I'll live and move on. The thing with the attention I get is, when you stop paying attention to me, and give it to someone else, I do get jealous, but you'll never see it. I like to think of jealously as one of my best friends. I mean I didn't really meet jealously until elementary school, like first or second grade, and we would say our usual Hi, or hey, but we didn't get close until middle school. Then in middle school, we kind of dated here and there, but it was nothing serious. Jealously would show up at my door, I'd let them in with those green eyes I couldn't resist, then when jealously was done with me, left like I wouldn't hear from them again. Lately Jealously has been leaving me messages that they're gonna come back and visit, and as much as I'm trying to avoid, ignore, and disregard them, I have a feeling it's not going away. Anyways, I really need to find something to get me over jealously so that I can move on. But the attention I'm getting keeps me held down. I know none of this is making sense, but I'm just as confused as the next person.
I always knew i was a procrastinator, and I said, "You're not a pro until you hit college", well guess what, I've made pro, and I'm still running in the league strong for 3 years. I try really hard, well i try... I attempt to make an effort not to procastinate, but when I do, it's like everything works against me, and I have to procastinate. Luckily I work well under pressure, but I'm getting stuck with coming up with decent ideas for school work, youtube projects, and of course that thing that always gets me into trouble, or causes me trouble... my love life, or lack of it. Yeah if you haven't guessed, I'm stuck in that department. i think Stacie Orrico said it best with these lyrics: [Chorus:]I can't take itWhat am I waiting for?I'm still breakingI miss you even moreAnd I can't fake itThe way I could be forI hate you but I love youI can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]It's trueI'm stuck on you. anyways this song is pretty much my song when a crush goes nowhere, so it goes out to more than one guy
I love the songs, "Never Find a Love Like This"- Natasha Bedingfield, "Damaged" - Danity Kane, "Touch My Body" - Mariah Carey, and "No Air"- Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown. These songs bring me out of my bad mood, and I can't stop playing them over and over and over again.
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Even though I like the song "Replacement Girl" by Drake aka Aubrey Graham from Degassi, I'm not about to be these "guys" I know, their replacement girl. What this means is whenever their girls that they're suppose to be soo into is gone, the treat me like I'm theirs. I'm tired of being in second place, or the substitute. Then if I decide to go visit someone else you guys get jealous and give me grief about why I don't go to you first. What's up with that? Do you expect me to always be waiting for you? Maybe you'll realize that I'm not the kind you want to lose, so if you don't start changing your ways, I'll change my ways around you. I've learned you rules to the game, and guess what? You're not gonna cheat your way anymore with me here. Anyways check out Replacement Girl video on here.
When we were leaving the gathering, Renetto was trying to go with us for the after party, but we ditched him and went to the car. That's when Mr. proof was getting frisky with yours truly. While Tim was paying $35 dollar parking, Sam and I was flirting and joking around, or so I thought. Sam said, "So bubbles (bubbles is my nickname by the way), wanna make out even though I'm still sick?" I thought my sarcasm was really obvious; "Yes, now! I have cough drops." but I guess not, because he grabbed my butt, then told the girl that was with us to sit in the front so that we can make out. I felt really awkward, sat in the front, and kept my eyes forward. When we got to the hotel we had to walk about a block because there was no good parks available, but as we walked there Sam didn't stop he flirting with, "My hands are cold, bubbles I need to warm them (trying to unbutton, and unzip my jacket) let me warm them." I could only responded with "Sam! and nooooo." But at the hotel we all had lots of laughs with the other people there, then decided to move the party to Christopher mast's house because it's bigger. We got there, and everyone was singing mostly songs that I've never heard of, and adding words to the song to make it sound dirty. I got a little bored, and hungry so me and Tim ditched them to go out to eat some Subway, then look for an open coffee shop. We walked for a while and it was nice because we did a lot of talking, and connected really well. Even when we did find a place that had coffee, their machine was broken so we got hot chocolate and talked some more. Time seemed to fly but we soon left and headed back to Christopher's house, but instead we walked around a little more and checked out the art gallery, and I wanted to do karaoke but Tim said that he needed to be drunk for that and next time, he'll let me take him. We finally went back and said our goodbyes to everyone, but I was waiting for Sam to say goodbye to him, which was probably a bad idea. When I finally got Sam's attention we hugged, but then he said something and grabbed my boob. I was super shocked and speechless, and so was Tim. Then he said, might as well make it even then grabbed the other one. I couldn't react, I was like frozen, but thank gawd I had 2 jackets, and 2 shirts on so he mostly grabbed clothes. Tim and I left to go back to his aunt's house and talked about the whole day, and how crazy it was. We repeated last night's event by going to sleep to a movie, then set the alarm to 9:00am for me to head to the airport. I got ready, but it was really windy, and I was hoping that my flight was canceled so I could stayed in San Fran longer, but it wasn't. I said my last goodbye to Tim, and waited for my delayed plane to take me back to school.
So after the trauma of getting to San Fran Tim was trying to find a cafe for us to eat at, which we couldn't find so we settled on Wendy's. It was weird meeting him face to face, instead of talking to him on the phone or IMing each. I mean I've seen him before many times, but it's like meeting that celebrity you've always wanted to meet, and can't believe that they're actually real were you can touch them. OK that's sounding a bit weird, but whatever. We got back to his Aunt's house and like the nerds we are got on his computer talking to our other friends that i made it safely. We stayed up talking, and decided to watch a foreign movie called Delicatessen, about people being chopped up for food. Weird movie, but it was good; kind of a comedy/horror. Well poor Tim was having neck problems, and could barely turn his neck. I massaged his shoulders and neck, which was a bit awkward for me. He was moaning and saying I was hired, but I couldn't stop laughing. I guess from the sexual tension I was feeling, I can't help but laugh when I feel awkward. Anyways Tim fell asleep (snoring) before the movie ended, then I said goodnight and went to sleep. The next morning I dreaded waking up, and ignored my alarm. Even Tim was trying to figure out a way to wake me up. I finally got up and we got to the gathering. The plan was to meet people, avoid a girl he wanted to stay away from, then later go to an after party. We walked around looking for other youtubers, and ran into supricky06 where he kept putting me on video to his live video account. After we left him, we ran into Sam Proof where Sam picked me up, and to hold on I had to wrap my legs around him. When he finally put me down he said "I just had Bubbles on my junk, and no one took a pic or video!?" I was a little startled, but went on enjoying the gathering. I did more talking, but took less pictures which was unfortunate. We went out to eat, got a t-shirt, and went to the aquarium.There was so many people there and I wish I could have talked or taken pictures with all of them. There was this one annoying guy that was giving away his trash, and his head shots. Besides that, I had lots of fun, even though the weather sucked. It was after the gathering, where I had the most fun and enjoyed myself the most.