This mid afternoon I call my godparents to get an update on how they're doing, and immediately I get accused for being ungrateful for all the things they do for me, and how I don't say thank you before, during, and after they do the things for me. I've said thank you, but I guess it wasn't said enough. This makes me remember all the times when tasks I would do for anyone wasn't good enough for them. I try to please so many people and I end up hurting myself. I think I'm being taken for granted from people I know. I hang around a different person for awhile, and my friends think that I've changed, flaky, not the same. I like hiding myself from everyone, it keeps me safe and unexposed from people.
So today a good friend of mine was worried about how I would take something they had to say. I was scared that something bad had happened to someone I know, but it was about me. Everyone has been acting funny around me lately, and wanted to make sure that I don't get hurt. It's like I'm a baby or a little child stuck in a play pin. Whenever I try to get out, people put me back in so that I don't get hurt, but I need to get out and see what's out there. How am I suppose to learn what a fall is if I never experience it? I'm very aware on how people act around me, and I put up a wall to protect myself, so this extra protection people are giving me is making things worse. I need to see how things will go, and experience the "what ifs" for myself, or I will always regret it. Here's a song that puts how I am at this very moment, and probably says it better than I could say. It's another Alexz Johnson song from Instant Star "Let me Rise, Let me Fall"
I'm wide awake at 4am because a friend wanted to get up that time, and now I can't really get them up. I think it's best that they stay here though, after the little party we had in my room with my roommates friends. It kinda felt like old times when me and my best friend Kaylah would have a party at her house, but I know I can't go down that "let's go get drunk" every week deal; I'm getting too old for that and have other people that are on my mind now. Speaking of other people, though things are starting to get clearer, I've found myself or someone has found a liking to me as a crush. It's cute, but really at the wrong time at things. I barely know this person, and it's really fast knowing about this. I do give them points for sorta hinting this out, because if I ever hear about guys with crushes on me, it's too late since they've moved on. It seems like the month of September is going to make or break whatever is going to happen in October, whatever that means. I really need to talk to one of my old friends like Kaylah, or Liz to sort these things out, because I don't really know who to talk to about this, without already having their side already decided. Well my eyes are starting to hurt, and I need to go back to sleep so that I can wake up again around 8ish
I can't believe I only posted once in August. I started this thing strong, but now it's getting worse and worse. I guess I have a good excuse though. At the start of the month I had my birthday, then a few days later went to Toronto where they have lots of cute guys there; my twin Lyssa tripped checking out one of the guys there, haha. Anyways I spent like 4 days in Canada, and getting out was terrible, I barely had any sleep, and was so glad to be home. After I got back, I was trying to get back to my old ways but I guess I had delayed jet lag. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, school was starting. I packed up most of my stuff, which didn't seem like a lot, and here I am now. I'm staying at one of the oldest dorms here, and it's hecka ghetto and far. It has it's ups and downs, but it's small and I felt I lived the good life at the other dorm. One good thing about this school year is I'm getting along with my roommate, and she's really cool. I do need to get out there more and be social, so I'm hoping the involvement fair will help me out on that this semester. Anyways school is just blah, my teacher left for a better job, classes keep moving, I need books, and I'm tired, but it's only the first week.
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