They found out, and I'm starting to freak out. All I can think about is all of them asking me questions, judging, looking to find out what's wrong. Telling me I need rehab, or something. They found one of my many diary entries at my godparent's house. I can't clearly remember what I had written, but I know it was about how I miss being younger, my depression over the years, and how things would be better if I was gone. I thought I brought that notebook with me back home and had it closed, but apparently I didn't. They found it, and opened it. They know almost everything, and I can't play it off as a joke, or some story I'm writ ting. They're concerned, and who can blame them. If I read some of the things I wrote I would be worried too. I can no longer hide this monster in the closet and it scares me that it's now released into the world. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. It's spreading like a virus, and I can't run away or bottle it in. I don't know how my family will react, because I know they're gonna find out soon. Then even more things will change. Have I always secretly wanted them or anyone to know? Has this been my cry for help, that I've been waiting for? I don't know what's gonna happen next, and that's probably what scares me the most.
I'm back home, and only a few things have changed. So much stuff went down in LA my head is still spinning. I'm done with traveling I think for a while, until august. I wanted to sign up for online summer classes to get ahead, but that's not happening. When I came back home, I pretty much lost everything. Not the physically lost stuff like a book, or keys, just the stuff you can't really buy, like freedom, privacy, love, etc. I'm back around family, so I can't do the stuff that usually would be looked down upon. Most likely I'll be on my good behavior. I also lost my room to my aunt and cousin, so I get to sleep in the living room on the couch. And for love, I don't know. Things start out as I find out someone likes me, and I don't feel the same way about them until they find someone else, aren't interested, or some other thing. Anyways I guess that guy lost interest in me, so I need to move on. I need someone less weird, cute, smart with a job and a plan in life. But i know that's never gonna happen and I'm gonna settle with someone that meets the standard of having a pulse. Wow I'm a bigger downer, but I like to think of the glass being half full. I just hope that the one day when I'm taken, all the ones that I fell for at one time, regrets that they weren't with me, or wonder if they're life would have been better or different if they had ended up with me. Ok time for sleep, or mindless tv. until next time, which is mostly tomorrow, laterz.
I finally got out of the dorm and will no longer see that evil roommate that drove me crazy. I'm not sure if I became more responsible living without the family around, or I'm just the type of person to find something annoying about everyone, but the things she did was a bit ridiculous. She wouldn't clean anything in the room unless it was time to move out of the dorm for the semester, and in that case she still didn't do anything except take out her trash. Even the sink that we both used everyday was dirty and covered with hair unless i cleaned it. The sink really didn't bother me though, but at least try to keep it hair free for the day after I clean it, or wipe the mirrors clean. We basically had everything split down the middle, until later in the semester when she started leaving her junk around my part of the sink. Oh let's not forget the bathroom.
- The toilet was dirty too, and still wasn't cleaned until I cleaned it.( hair, mildew, etc.)
- She never provided, or placed any toilet paper in the bathroom. Or threw away the roll when it was done
- The shower was dirty also, just like the toilet. (hair, mildew, etc)
- After she would shower the floor would be soaking wet, and we even had a bathroom rug to prevent that. ( It was like she was avoiding to get that wet, because that was the only dry thing on the floor since everything was wet.)
I didn't care that she came in really early in the morning, but I hated how the room smelled like Koren food, or whatever she was eating at the time. We didn't talk that much and when we did it lasted for about 10-15mins at the most. I know I couldn't live in an apartment with her, if I ever had the choice to, so hopefully next semester at school, I'll have a better roommate, or who knows, I'll get the chance to have my own room like the old days (yea right)
Wow, I've almost completed a whole school year away from home. I remember when I first came to the dorm, and said good bye to my mom for the first time. I started to cry, and then she was crying. I knew I had to get away, but I also knew I would be alone. It's been a crazy school year, and I think I've learned a lot, or learned something. I've met some rude, interesting and nice people here. My only regret is that I didn't get to make as many friends as I had hoped. Things didn't go as planned, but next year I plan on joining a club, and talking more to my classmates. Over all I guess it was worth it, with the roommate getting on my nerves, rushing to get projects on time, sleeping in because I didn't feel like going to class. It's kinda sad that the people I am close to now, or talk to all the time are far away. But I have a feeling that one day, even if we do lose touch from each other, we will meet again or live around each other...most likely in California, but we'll relive those memories of being Internet nerds.
I love this song, and it's been describing the differnet stages in my life part of last year, and now.
Where’s my will,
Can I find a way,
The earth is wild,
And I can’t sit still,
A familiar sound,
A familiar voice,
Makes it so hard,
To make a choice,
I don’t know if I should stay,
A thousand stars,
You will have my word,
I’m brightening up,
To fill these cracks,
A familiar place,
A familiar voice,
Makes it so hard.
To make a choice,
I don’t know if I should stay,
I ran to you like water
I threw my body in
And I'll stand up on the ocean
Just to show you that I am strong, strong
But what if I am wrong
A familiar look
A familiar smile
Makes it so hard
To make a choice
I don’t know if I should stay away