Jewella's View

Frustration

2011-08-27T02:08:00.001-07:00

I can wait minutes up to the hour, and nothing is said. You build your courage up after I leave, only to be shot down by someone else. Moments pass, but all you have is one moment to make it count. It's gone now. We're both left here to think what could have happened, what could have been said, what could have been made. I'm left with frustration, and you're left with hopelessness. To each its own.

Posted via email from goldenbluestar's posterous

At the end of the day

2010-05-13T00:46:00.001-07:00

At the end of the day, what have you done?

Did you make a difference with the world?

Finish the job that took so long to complete?

Did you say hi to that person you've been eyeing for a while?

or have you been sitting in the same spot wishing you had done something?

Are you thinking about having the last word so that you can feel a level above them?

Sulking at the thoughts that are eatting you.

Can't sleep so you find your self doing mindless tasks to forget your troubles for the time being.

You have no one but yourself to blame for not having anything done at the end of the day.

I guess we'll have to wait til tomorrow, wont we.

Posted via web from goldenbluestar's posterous

2010-04-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

I had this really weird dream this morning that i was going to a friend's sister's house, and she lived by the beach. Someone took me to that house, then later I had to go back, but this time I was giving the directions and it was dark so I couldn't remember which was to go once we go to the right street. I remember we parked the car and a bunch of people were walking away from the water like they had just gotten off of carnival ride. I followed the group of people and they were circling around a few people who were dancing. I poked through the crowd and saw this one guy with kind of long girlish hair dancing. Someone dared me to tell them that they can't dance, so I did. They got mad at me, and told them it was a joke but they didn't believe me. I then went into the bathroom where they followed me. We got into an argument that later left us laughing for no reason. I didn't like this guy, but something made me attracted to him. I found myself close to his face and we started kissing. It was strange because one minute it was great and I could feel the spark between us, but then the next minute it sucked, and I would think to myself, geez this person sucks at kissing, and why am I still kissing them? But I continued and that's when someone tried to come in. I broke away from the guy to see who was coming in. It was my younger cousin trying to see what I was doing in there and with that guy. I tried to play it off, but she knew something was going on. Turns out the guy I was kissing was Justin Beiber. (just know that i'm not attracted to that kid at all, and I'm not going to jail for him either.) I tried to tell her that I was trying to convince Justin to do something nice for her, and I had to talk to him alone, but she didn't want to hear it. She was mad at me, but there's was nothing I could do to make her change her mind. Justin was still waiting for me, so I went back to him, looked him in the eyes and woke up.

Breaking up with a Friend

2010-04-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

It's sad when you stop being friends with someone. They or you do something that destroys a friendship, or you drift off to other places because you both have out grown each other. But what if being friends with someone is both toxic to the both of you? A few days ago I had to let go of a friend, because our relationship with each other wasn't healthy for either of us. We both wanted things that the other one didn't, so where would a person go from there? I can't blame anyone in this situation, but sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and time and see if I could spot the place where things started to change, and maybe I could save the friendship. But for now we must both move on and look forward to the future. We agreed that one day we will talk to each other when things in our lives have gotten better, and I'm looking forward to that and hoping for the best. As for now, I'll remember the memories we had with songs, stories, and pictures so that I still have the good things that made me like you.

p.s It's hard seeing your name pop up and not being able saying hello :(

Mistakes?

2010-02-23T01:22:00.000-08:00

I like to think of tv as one of my favorite teachers. I've learned so much of life's lesson's from it. One of my favorite shows to watch now is, "The secret life of the american teenager". Even though at times it can be chessy, and it annoys the crap out of me when no one can keep a secret so everyone knows everyone's business, and I do mean EVERYONE. Seriously, does your parents need to know from your best friends that the guy that knocked you up that's currently dating the school's slut, had sex with your ex boyfriend for his first time? I know I'm ranting here but it come on. After the christian girl who vowed to only have sex after marriage had sex with her bf, then the next day everyone in school knew about it, and how much she liked it. Rumors did not spread that fast at my school, but I'm going off of topic like usual. Today's episode was about mistakes and how we all make them, and lately I've been making plenty of them with one person in particular M&M. I've lead things on, knowingly I shouldn't have. But I thought, why not? It's just this once, it wont happen again. Things have gotten deeper and I felt screwed the further things got. I do think things are starting to look up now that there's a change in the situation, but I still feel that chain from them holding me back from which i'm still trying to break. Let's hope for the best.

Keep your bad mood to yourself please

2010-02-09T01:25:00.001-08:00

Some people have a way of putting others in a bad mood. It bothers me when I'm minding my own business in a decent mood, then bam! Someone comes along and turns it into a bad mood. I know misery loves company, but I've over stayed my welcome with misery. I'll leave you alone, and give you space, but don't take your crappy attitude out on me when I did nothing wrong. And it would be awesome if you could keep your rude comments to yourself, k thanks.

Godparents are Suppose to be Nice, Not Evil

2010-01-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say that I do not like my Godparents, and at times I hate them. They're always talking about someone, or judging them in a way. They want you to agree with them that they're right about everything, and I never see them give someone a good light view. Now how they treat me is worse because I'm their goddaughter. I remember being young and going to their house a few times with my sister. Things seemed fine, but the last time I saw them was at christmas. I remember a santa there, presents and them giving me a ginger bread house. That was wonderful, but then my mom told me that the reason that was the last time I saw them before they moved to vegas was at christmas time, they told my mom not to buy any presents for me or my sister because santa would buy them. Well santa did get me 2 presents, but my little sister received none. Did santa forget to get my sister a present, or was the fact that my sister is not the goddaughter of them the reason why she didn't get a gift? Well Me being 2 years old I asked, "What about Jasmine?" Jasmine didn't get a present, but I did give her one of mine. Years later I thought that would have changed. I was no longer 2, but now 20, and things still didn't change. I'm constantly treated like a kid, criticized belittled by them in every way, guiltily because something they could have done or should have done is some how my fault. My newest situation with them involves this book I had last year from my roommate Courtney. I had the book and we were about to leave, but my godmother wanted it. I didn't want to give it to her, but i did. Now a year later I need the book, and they can't find it. So she tells me she'll pay for it if they can't find it and that was our agreement. Well now my godparents said, "We felt like you wanted to dump the book so we didn't take good care of it. I'm going to figure out how to pay for it, and return everything you gave me so it never happens again." Ok so I'll take the blame on this again, I didn't think I was going to take the class, it was a very last minute choice, and I'll just take the verbal abuse from them like always. Nothing will ever change from them, and I can't wait until I can graduate and only come back here for a few years to visit if I can.

The Guy in the Relationship

2010-01-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

I showed this comic to a friend last night and they said, "Yep, that's you and me." And I told him, "Mhm, you would leave me for a manipulated bad boy." and they laughed. But all sarcasm aside, I've always felt like the guy in the relationship. The one to break things off before things get too serious. The one not to say "I love you" first, but when they do say it, my response is "Thanks. That's sweet. I heart you too. or I'm in like with you" I feel bad because they want that emotion from me, but I take the guy approach to these things. Maybe it's because of all the usual jerks I fall for that keeps me distant. I feel like showing no feelings or emotion keeps me from getting hurt, but it doesn't mean the other person doesn't get hurt either.

Thoughts from a Procrastinator

2009-09-23T23:17:00.001-07:00

I really should edit this paper that's due thursday, but then again my dishes are piling up.
I need to study for spanish test. ooo new episodes are finally online!
Eww the trash smells, I'll take it out when it fills up.
My room is a mess, but I think I should wash my hair first
Crap i'm running out of time to edit this paper, I wonder who's online now
I tried to work out today...well the throught crossed my mind so it was an effort
hello twitter, tumblr, netflicks, blogs
I'll do this tomorrow, I'm tired

Posted via web from goldenbluestar's posterous

Untitled

2009-08-30T12:46:00.001-07:00

Posted via email from goldenbluestar's posterous

2009-08-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

A good friend told me that they liked it when I thought this blog was unknown to everyone. So I went through my old entries, even the ones I had removed and placed in a real private blog (sorry they were just too personal for peering eyes.) and read how I use to write. I was more open, and had the style of gossip girl almost. I'm going to go back to that style habit again, where I write like I'm writing to myself, and less of talking to someone where I must sugar coat what I have to say. My next entry will go back to my old style.

It's Time to Go

2009-08-15T01:13:00.001-07:00

I call this "Time to Go" I drew this myself as you can tell. It's time for these two to go, and part ways. My sister made of this story of the boy breaking up with the girl, and he dissed her. Now she has to go home crying because no one wants her. But I think it runs deeper than that.

Life is a Show

2009-08-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

I've always thought life was like a tv show. Your birth is the pilot, it runs all seasons, and when it's time to go, your show is canceled. So what has happened this summer season with me? School ended, went back to vegas to visit some friends and meet new people. Came back home, then went on a road trip, and now I'm back here waiting to go back to school where relationships have changed, new people have/will enter in my life, and another new school year awaits. I'm stuck in that limbo of not knowing how I really feel about things. I think I'm in that mind set of "ok, I'm getting bored of this. I'm ready to move on and get out of here." Of course I'm scared out of mind mind for the future, but I can see how happy or sucessful others will be, and I hope I can achieve that one day. I wonder who would get any kind of entertainment from watching my show. I do have plenty of drama to spare, and when I'm alone can be comically. I wish I could see some past episodes, that would be nice to see some of those memories.

We Couldn't Be

2009-08-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

I found my old song/letter to my high school guy- Josh Burger. He was more trouble than he was worth. No wonder this letter is crappy

We Couldn't Be

We were young and foolish
didn't care what'd come our way
you let no one come between us
what else could I say
who knew our love would fall
but now we're growing apart
(And I try, and I try
to bring my heart back were it was
but it's taking me back to a place were we started before.
Don't do this to me
The tension between us, was too much to handle
we couldn't be, oh no)
How did we start out
what made me look in another direction
you know what this thing is about.
I guess I lost your affection

I was on a boat!

2009-07-19T22:16:00.001-07:00

It's been a week and I think I'm finally rested to get back into the grove of things. Tim was kind enough to invite me on his road trip from Washington to Vermont. I stayed with him for a week to help him move out of his house, then we spent about 5 days on the road from the west coast to the east. It was like time travel as we went through each state; meaning time changed messed with our sleeping schedule. When we weren't driving around we'd stop at truck stops eating subway, which i don't think i have anymore for a while. Or we were at the hotel rooms. Vermont was a last stopping point before we got to our final destination, and by then I was just exhausted from driving around in the car. We got to Maine, and I was greeted by practically everyone in Tim's family. They put me on the boat, we had lobster, played and relax. My time there will always be remembered.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Tweet Cloud

2009-07-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

xtherealnightskyx inspired me to finally make one of these from my @GoldenBlueBubble Tweets

Let's Go On an Adveture!

2009-06-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was this girl, who longed to get out of her small town of the diet version Las Vegas, to see new worlds and what's out there. For she had only seen bits and pieces of a coast, but never the full puzzle. Then one day a boy asked her to join his travel from one end of the world to the other. This is where my adventure begins. Tim invited me to help him travel from Washington to Vermont and Maine.

2009-06-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today, every little thing, and everyone seems to be irritating me now. I'm tired, but I'm fighting sleep so that I can have maybe an 8 hour rest for once. I wanted to watch a movie that I've been waiting forever, but can't watch that because S keeps taking over the tv. I can't go to my room to have time alone because I no longer have a room. My room is now taken over by S who has taken over the tv in the living room where I now sleep.

Time for Graduation

2009-06-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

It's around that time of the year when people are planning weddings, and graduating. Am I graduating this year? Nope. Should I be graduating this year? Of course. And why aren't you graduating? Because I didn't know what I wanted to do (when I was younger) and since not all my credits transferred, I have yo do another year....yay me (sarcasm). Every year someone in my family seems to graduate from something; elementary, high school, and college. I think back to when I was anticipating to graduate. I saw how all the family got together and the graduate would get all the presents, balloons, cards with loads of money. Then I remember my graduations, where I didn't get the same things everyone else did. I'm not gonna lie; I do get jealous over those thing. I think I feel a little unappreciated or unnoticed. I'm disappointed that I'm not graduating this year, but hopefully I will have my turn. Maybe I should have gone to med school. Even though it would have taken forever to complete, everyone would have graduated by then, and I would get that lime light I keep trying to step into. As for the graduates of this year, congrates.

Be My Guest

2009-05-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Now let's talk about my guest who came to visit, stay, or hang out.

Courtney- You're one of the best roommates I had. You kept things fun, and interesting with your ways, and I wish you the best on your amazing journey to London. Just don't get married so soon or have babies yet please.
Terrance- I didn't mind you stay with us when Courtney was here, but I do mind that you said you would pay me back the money for the drinks that you couldn't buy or pay for :p p.s Courtney said your lips are crusty. (yeah i went there, I want my money)
Shayla-You're a fun person to be around, but I think you need for the real world to hit you, without your parents around so that you don't continue to be this spoiled brat. There's so much more in life than getting the latest purse, and how you can buy people. (that's a no no)
Caleb-you're a cool person too, but just some advice, timing is a very good thing. Like when to coming or going. Just saying time is precious. And be careful when you move over to hooker town (people are crazy over there!)
Lyssa- She's wonderful and my bff. She also keeps me outta trouble, but we have fun ;) I'm glad you became my weekend roommate.
Jess- We share a love of stars, so she already has cool points in my book. I'm glad we got to hang out more this year, and make the Vegas girls videos because of her.
She's one of the best like Lyssa. I <3>
Gino- Before meeting him, I was really nervous. You should never judge a book by it's cover, because he's not the guy he looks like. He is very nice. We had lots of fun with our water fight, and makes the perfect boyfriend. I hope him and his girlfriend, continue to be in love.
D- I was very surprised to see D come to Vegas, but I'm glad he got to take a mini vacation. We got to go on the monster school bus, which was a lot of fun. I hope he had fun seeing a bit of the college life, but next time he comes out, I'm taking him to the strip club.
Gary- I learned a few things about Gary, like when he's drunk, he'll tell you to S.T.U.F=shut the up f*ck, lol. he was my diner buddy, but please don't chug vodka from people you just met on the strip. I don't want you trying to hook me up with 40+ Brit guys again.
Chris- Singer, writer, youtuber, good looking, he's got all these going for him, along with talent. It was a very big surprised to see him come out to Vegas and hang out with me and Lyssa. We had a good time checking out the strip, adventure dome, and going to the show afterwards. Thank you and Schleppy very much for watching over me at the end of the night, though I still only remember bits and pieces of it. I will take words of advice, and wish you the best on your missions with ford.
Schleppy- He's always the cool one in the group that everyone wants to be around. Like Chris said one day, "He's like the weed man, he's too cool." He's fun to be around, and always there when we needed him. Any girl to end up with him, will be extremely lucky, he's a good guy.

2009-05-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

I have that sick feeling. The one that comes from your stomach and you feel like your gonna throw up. Mix that with the feeling that you're about to be in big trouble, and nervous more than ever, almost shaking because you're so scared of what's gonna happen next. What would you call this exactly? I need to watch my every move from what I say or do.

So long Vegas, til the fall comes

2009-05-16T02:41:00.000-07:00

I finally ended school, and I couldn't be happier. It started out hopeful, til the crushing news from my roommate delivered saying that she's leaving in a few weeks instead of a few months hit early to London, January. It was very sad, but I still wish her the best. I ended up with a weekend roommate Lyssa, who is my twin and bff. I <3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">plenty of visitors compared to when I first came to Vegas and knew no one last year. It started out with Courtney's friends staying over or stopping by, but after she left they all disappeared except for one. Lyssa and Jess were my main guest, then Gino, D, Gary, Caleb, Andrew, Chris, Schleppy, and that's all I can think of now. I'll go more into my time with them later. I'm definitely not gonna miss how hot it was in Vegas. I'm use to covering up and maybe showing shoulder. My old roommate use to say "When it's hot, you take it off! You gotta slut it up!" she also said something about me having an affair which didn't happen but that's another story. Vegas left me good memories, and helped me sort out who's the good people there. I'll see you soon Vegas, very soon indeed

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

2009-04-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the day we first talked

Yesterday we became friends

Yesterday I made plans to hang out with you

Yesterday was just another day

Today I thought about you.

Today I waited for you

Today you came around

Today we said nothing to each other

Tomorrow is the day I'll see you again.

Tomorrow will be the day I'll touch your hand

Tomorrow you'll spend time with me

Tomorrow will never happen with us.

Posted via web from goldenbluestar's posterous

I'm sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you

2009-04-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

You know those people that you talk to, and everything has to be about them? You talk about your day, and they bring the whole conversation about them. You talk to them about their problems, then they whine and complain about how you should feel sorry for them, when you really shouldn't. It's all about them, and when it's not, it better include them. I think this is the reason why I feel like a guy mostly with my feelings. If you're constantly conceited, then I'm not gonna spare your feelings or feel sorry for you.

Not the Morning Person

2009-04-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not a morning person at all. Or every will be at that. I'm use to waking up in the afternoon. Hanging out til the night, and then going to bed in the morning. That's how things should be, not waking up before 10am in the morning. Anyone that's woke me up in the morning, or has been with me in the morning knows I'm the worse person to try to wake up. I'm grumpy, don't talk, or give you dirty looks. When I was younger my cousin said I had to be nice and smile at her, because I always get mad, or scare her. So I smiled, and boy was it painful. Moral of the story is, don't wake me up in the morning, if you're not prepared to pay for the consequences.

Oh Sugar...mmm mmm, ahh Honey, Honey

2009-04-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hello. I am a sugar addict. I can no longer hide this fact, and it's hurting my daily life (not really). Today I brought home a bag of pixy stixs from Easter and made it into lines, like coke. Don't worry I wasn't going to snort it or anything, but I knew at that moment I had a problem. I try to limit how much sugar I physically put into things in breakfast, lunch or dinner, but sometimes I need that fix, and it's time to pull out the candy. Sure I'll get few cravings here and there, but I love sweet stuff. I only eat 3 cereals- Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, and Rice Kripy's. Which all have a sugar coating, or you add the sugar. I eat Raisin Brand, but I pick out the sugar covered raisins to eat and throw out the nasty flakes. I can't even enjoy tea, because it taste like flavored water. Did I also mention I'm not a big fan of water (I know this is really bad too, but I'm trying). Green tea, and raspberry tea are ok, but it's not my cup of tea (oh yeah, I put a pun all up in there). I have improved though from when I was a child with sugar. I no longer drink over at least 5 cans of soda in the afternoon alone, and barely add sugar when needed to help me recover from this bad trip. Now I'm off to go finish off a bag of sour gummy worms (kidding, well...kinda) But the sugar makes me the sweet person I am today, with the bitter personality ^_^

Peaceful April

2009-04-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

For once I feel at peace living in a dorm on my own, having a few good friends hanging out with, and usually time to do what I want, when i want it. With my new attitude I've found every little bad thing that's happened, balances to a new good thing. Today they cut a lot of people off an hour from work at the end of the day including me. Sure this means less money for me, but I get from free time grab some food to eat instead of starving the whole day, and tired as well. Anyways, I guess all my built up stress, frustration, and anger are on vacation, and it's left me a carefree spirit...who is still forgetful about her homework or projects she needs to do. Or feels lost, since I'm no longer driven to do something since I'm running out of time. I like this feeling, but unfortunately it's not very productive. Also recently I've been having very vivid weird/scary dreams. I'll write more on that later, which will be more interesting, but here's to a peaceful april. P.s I made my first simple gif with the shoes. Yes I'm proud it's simple

So Close, and Yet So Far

2009-03-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

I finally got to see "Enchanted" for the first time, and I really liked it. It did have it's cheesy moments, but I would say the best part of the movie is the dance scene with the song, "So Close" by Jon McLaughlin. I did hear the song along time ago when I was stickam. In fact the song was on this guy that looked like Zack Braff profile, and i would just go to his page only to hear the song. He was probably wondering who was his permanent lurker, well it was me, but I only wanted to hear the song ^_^ Anyways I love the dance scene, it reminds me of the one from "Beauty and Beast" I love that movie too, and Belle is my favorite Disney Princess. If there's any prince charmings out there, or my future husband I would like a dance scene like this please :)

2009-03-05T02:08:00.000-08:00

Vegas what have you done to me? I was mostly a good girl, with good intentions. I came from a small city 3 times smaller than you, all alone and on my own. Being here a year I felt the cruel and rudeness of people. Fully depended on myself, and barely left my room. Now it's a year, and I've been to many places I shouldn't have ventured off to, and saw things I thought I would never see. Who knew that this quiet innocent girl would be tainted with all the sins she's fought off so hard?

2009-03-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

i had another weird dream this week. One was about an invasion of a sickness. People around town were getting sick, and some where turning into mindless killers. I remember i was at a park and I saw this woman crawl in a truck to hide, and I was trying to tell her "Draw the line before they come. Hurry or you'll die!" but I don't think she could hear me. She did take a piece of orange chalk and draw a square in between her and the truck just in time before this crazed zombie man jumped up and tried to attack her. The square had stopped him and was cutting him in half. The rest of the sick people passed through the square for safely, and I was told that today was going to be the best day in the world because the government is giving away something special. Then that some how moved me to some mall where they had this little shop at the food court. I order food, and see my old group of friends from high school and they looked a little bit older. One of them was eating some kind of bbq that was in the shape of a moose, which it probably was. Then it moved to me at my house waiting for my friend to come over, but he found his way into my room

Time to Disappear

2009-02-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

I think it's time for me to disappear for a while, see if things change while I'm gone. I'll be gone for a while, and who really knows how long that will be, but I know I need this time to see if there's still that chance of hope, respect, honestly, or love hanging around that I can't find while I'm here and available. I haven't been this exhausted since the first time I got my job when I was 16. People want so much from me, and I'm wearing myself thin trying to give it to them, but I get nothing in return. I'm not expecting a check in the mail, or a gift, but a little appreciate or "How are you?" "How was your day?" "What did you do?" would be nice towards me, instead of the other way around. I'm pretty sure they'll find a replacement soon while I'm on leave, but if they really needed to find me, they know how to reach me. Now for big plans I do need a mini get-a-way for the weekend before the end of March. I don't care where too, but I would prefer it not be back at my hometown, and maybe stay with a friend or something. After all the flight is free, and I would like to stay under a budget, but to have a good time. For now let's hope February turns into a good month, because it's not starting out well.

A Year From Now

2009-01-29T23:10:00.000-08:00

Who knew that I would write in this blog for a complete year?!(and a few days) not me, of course, and from my previous entries, though some have been moved to another blog for special reasons, it helps to look back at what the last year brought me. Living away from friends and family for the first time, to a crazy roommate, and an adventure to many places I've never been before with people I've just met. I wonder sometimes would any of this would have been possible if I never came to vegas? Drama still occurs with the usual people, but it makes us grow and see people for who they really are. I had a really fun roommate, but she felt that this place was holding her back, and she would never achieve anything

2009-01-23T23:59:00.000-08:00

No more sadness, no more tears. Time to move forward, good bye fears. Sad songs replaced with dance, Arguments have gone out the window. I'm not the same girl no more. That person you knew before had to go

2009-01-20T00:38:00.000-08:00

my head is full with sad song, and my heart is filled with broken promises.

little update from old new people

2009-01-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

You know that weird feeling you get when you talk to someone you haven't talked to in a very long time, but it's a good feeling because you reconnect and things go friendly. Now times that by 2 because 2 people contacted me within 5 minutes of me uploading pics on facebook. They're good people, and I wont get to see them anytime soon, but it's nice to talk to an old new person that remembers you. Nobody likes to be forgotten, unless you had a really embarrassing moment and people keep taunting you over and over, and it ruins your life, and all you wanna do is crawl up in a corner in fetal position and die, but who really has been through all that? lol. I really need to expand my social circle more and reconnect with old friends. I'm very bad at keeping in touch, so i'm going to try really hard (that's what she said).

Where to next?

2009-01-08T00:44:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to go to London since I was a little girl. I use to pretend to talk in the accent, act like a proper girl, and walk around with a book on my head to have perfect balance. So I made a promise to myself that I will go to London before I turn 30. Well I may have my chance! Jess wants to go to London for Myle's Birthday. I want to tell Courtney, but she'll want to come and not return home...

Let's Go Back to Being Strangers

2009-01-05T01:04:00.001-08:00

Let's go back to being strangers. To a time before I knew your favorite things, your hopes and fears. I wanna lose all the trust we built between us, and forget about all the secrets we told each other. Of course when we become strangers again, you must forget everything about me, and I'll do the same. It'll make things easier for the both of us, especially me. Forget about how we met, what you first thought about me, and how we stay connected. Why should we be strangers? It's because I've fallen into a dark place where the light can't penetrate though. My eyes are now watery, and tears constantly fall down my face. I can't even cry correctly because I lose my breath each time I shed a tear. Is my heart broken? Am I emotional? Was it something you said or did? I'm not even sure if this is worth crying over, and why I am crying so hard over it. So let's go back to being strangers and lets not even know the other person existed, because we were a little more happy before we knew each other right?

Posted via web from goldenbluestar's posterous

2009-01-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

I've fallen into a dark place where the light can't penetrate though. My eyes are now watery, and tears constantly fall down my face. I can't even cry correctly because I lose my breath each time I shed a tear. Is my heart broken? Am I emotional? Was it something you said or did? I'm not even sure if this is worth crying over, and why I am crying so hard over it. I'm not meant to be seen or heard, but I can't stay away or have a thought that doesn't involve your name or face.

2009-01-03T02:54:00.000-08:00

I know i love him. I smile for the first time when i see his name. I laugh a little louder when i hear his jokes, and fall harder for him, each time we talk. Does he love me? No. I'm just the girl that's around when he needs me. That late night call when he can't sleep. The shoulder to cry on when he's hurt. The body he wants when he's in the mood. That's the only girl I'll ever be. So should i be happy that I'm his friend, or that's all I'll ever be is just his friend?

Sexual Euphemisms

2008-12-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm completely clueless when it comes to sexual Euphemisms. If someone were to start a normal conversation with me, then throw in a sexual euphemism I would be completely lost or carry on the convo as if it were just an innocent topic. Unfortunately it happened again today, and last month. This is a conversation I had on the phone, a few summers ago,
"J: I can't wait til Saturday to see that movie disturbia, it looks interesting. P: Me too. I'll make you cum in the movie theater. J: I'm already going to the movies. Why wouldn't I go with you? P: No I'll make you CUM in the movies. J: (said very slowly) But...I'm...already...going...to...the...movies...with..you...why...wouldn't...I...come...with...you? P: ugh never mind. J: OHHH! ewww."
Basically this video sums up what I go through, and how naive I am. Hope you enjoy

2008-12-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

It's that time of season where the real and fake trees go up in the houses. Presents are being wrapped to go up under the tree, while Christmas music plays non stop on the radio and malls.

2008-12-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

I'm scared to say this, but I know I've lost you. We barely talk, and when we do it's a "Hi how are you? What's new? and etc. " We use to talk everyday throughout the day, sometimes nonstop, but now I feel like we're no longer as close as we use to be

Going Home

2008-11-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way home, but does it feel like home? No. It feels like a place I use to call home, with a few things there that belonged to me. Now it's just a place, with a few faces and little memories. The welcome home, is more of cold greeting from a stranger as I walk through the door. My room is no longer recognizable, with posters the new owner of the room put up. I get the lovely couch with the over sized pillow to rest my head in the livingroom. The television is an old friend and updates me on characters that I've forgotten, and I find myself thinking, was I better off staying here and never seeing what's outside my home town, or leaving a warm home to go out to the cold reality of life?

2008-11-25T06:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what's on my mind. I couldn't sleep this morning, but I'm sure I was half asleep having vivid dreams. I'm going back home after being away for 3 months, and this time I don't miss home as much. A year from now, I've changed a little, from not caring and wanting to get away from people, to caring for a lot of new people I've met this year, and wanting to be with them. You would think I would be excited to go back home, but I'm feeling "Meh". Maybe because I feel like I don't have a place there anymore.

Oct is finally here!!!!!!!!

2008-10-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

It's about time October gets here, I don't think I've ever been so happy to see it here, but as you can tell I'm super excited. My plans are mostly towards the end of the month when I travel with my twin to LA. I really wanna be Little red riding hood for Halloween more than anything, but every costume I find looks bad, or maybe too small if I can't wear a teen size. My backup plan is to be Alice in wonderland, Goldilocks or even Wednesday Adams so hopefully that all works out. With school things have be so so. As usual i wait til the last minute to do my homework, but in grades I'm doing somewhat OK. I should be happy that i don't have extremely hard classes, or hard classes at all, but i haven't found that one thing that makes me WANT to get up in the morning or the day. It doesn't have to be work, school, or even a person, but some spark that makes this all worth while, or gives me that motivation. til then I'll just have to force myself to get into the habit. Two things that have been bothering me lately are when people start doubting me on what i can do, or should be doing. I know criticism is suppose to make you improve, but the way people put it makes me defensive, and more determine to prove them wrong about what I am capable of. the other thing is when some *cough*(cousin) calls me on the phone to talk about her and her problems, but doesn't want to listen to a word I have to say, and gets made when i don't want to listen to her, or stop listening. Anyways, tomorrow we are going to go see if our club T.R.A.M.P will be born, more on that later.
t.n.t-jewella

Ungrateful

2008-09-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

This mid afternoon I call my godparents to get an update on how they're doing, and immediately I get accused for being ungrateful for all the things they do for me, and how I don't say thank you before, during, and after they do the things for me. I've said thank you, but I guess it wasn't said enough. This makes me remember all the times when tasks I would do for anyone wasn't good enough for them. I try to please so many people and I end up hurting myself. I think I'm being taken for granted from people I know. I hang around a different person for awhile, and my friends think that I've changed, flaky, not the same. I like hiding myself from everyone, it keeps me safe and unexposed from people.

Let me Rise, Let me Fall

2008-09-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

So today a good friend of mine was worried about how I would take something they had to say. I was scared that something bad had happened to someone I know, but it was about me. Everyone has been acting funny around me lately, and wanted to make sure that I don't get hurt. It's like I'm a baby or a little child stuck in a play pin. Whenever I try to get out, people put me back in so that I don't get hurt, but I need to get out and see what's out there. How am I suppose to learn what a fall is if I never experience it? I'm very aware on how people act around me, and I put up a wall to protect myself, so this extra protection people are giving me is making things worse. I need to see how things will go, and experience the "what ifs" for myself, or I will always regret it. Here's a song that puts how I am at this very moment, and probably says it better than I could say. It's another Alexz Johnson song from Instant Star "Let me Rise, Let me Fall"

That 4 in the morning feeling

2008-09-05T04:22:00.000-07:00

I'm wide awake at 4am because a friend wanted to get up that time, and now I can't really get them up. I think it's best that they stay here though, after the little party we had in my room with my roommates friends. It kinda felt like old times when me and my best friend Kaylah would have a party at her house, but I know I can't go down that "let's go get drunk" every week deal; I'm getting too old for that and have other people that are on my mind now. Speaking of other people, though things are starting to get clearer, I've found myself or someone has found a liking to me as a crush. It's cute, but really at the wrong time at things. I barely know this person, and it's really fast knowing about this. I do give them points for sorta hinting this out, because if I ever hear about guys with crushes on me, it's too late since they've moved on. It seems like the month of September is going to make or break whatever is going to happen in October, whatever that means. I really need to talk to one of my old friends like Kaylah, or Liz to sort these things out, because I don't really know who to talk to about this, without already having their side already decided. Well my eyes are starting to hurt, and I need to go back to sleep so that I can wake up again around 8ish

Ekk need an update

2008-09-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I only posted once in August. I started this thing strong, but now it's getting worse and worse. I guess I have a good excuse though. At the start of the month I had my birthday, then a few days later went to Toronto where they have lots of cute guys there; my twin Lyssa tripped checking out one of the guys there, haha. Anyways I spent like 4 days in Canada, and getting out was terrible, I barely had any sleep, and was so glad to be home. After I got back, I was trying to get back to my old ways but I guess I had delayed jet lag. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, school was starting. I packed up most of my stuff, which didn't seem like a lot, and here I am now. I'm staying at one of the oldest dorms here, and it's hecka ghetto and far. It has it's ups and downs, but it's small and I felt I lived the good life at the other dorm. One good thing about this school year is I'm getting along with my roommate, and she's really cool. I do need to get out there more and be social, so I'm hoping the involvement fair will help me out on that this semester. Anyways school is just blah, my teacher left for a better job, classes keep moving, I need books, and I'm tired, but it's only the first week.

School starts soon!

2008-08-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh!!! School is starting next week and I thought I had more time. I haven't really done anything, except for adding 2 more classes that I should have added months ago. So this is my last week home, and I guess I'm kinda sad, because I didn't get a chance to hang out with my friends that much, or really do anything summer at home. Well time is moving fast, and I need to start packing to move in my new dorm, with a new roommate that hopefully wont try to kill me. My family is driving me crazy like usual, but everyone is trip'n over little things. I really wish I could get my own condo or something.

I'm 21, now what?

2008-08-06T04:50:00.000-07:00

Yay, I finally turned 21, and I still feel like I'm underage where I'm not allowed to drink, gamble or whatever else 21 year old should be doing. My birthday party was really fun. I had the lounge Aura pretty much just to my party, and had my friends that I've tried to keep in touch there, but the rest were friends of my aunt, or uncle. Anyways I loved my red dress, that's right red, not blue. I also had my little tiara, and kitten heels, even though they were killing my feet. I didn't dance much because I feel awkward dancing around older family members, or not having a guy to dance with. Anyways I finally got to drink around 11, and I got champagne, apple martini, and a strawberry daiquiri. I was a bit tipsy at the end of the party, and got to stay at one of the rooms at the casino my party was at. Well I went to the room, and my cousin were there staying with me, and we spent the two days there eating my birthday cake and pizza. Overall I had a good time, and and wished that my best friend could have been there, and a couple other people I really wanted to be there too. Oh before I forget, my cake was lovely, and ALMOST perfect. I wanted a chocolate cake with strawberries, and whip cream for frosting. Instead it was a white cake, still really good.

2008-07-28T02:28:00.000-07:00

7 days til I'm 21, and it's kinda scary that I'll be a full legal adult. I'm no longer a child or a teen, and I can't hold on to what little childhood I have left. I'll make this short and sweet, I'm hoping everything turns out well on my birthday and in Canada. Here's another song from Instant Star that I love, and even though it's not directed to anyone in general, it fits right here,

Dreams

2008-07-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

This morning/afternoon I had the weirdest dream. I think I was first in a grocery store with some guy that was kinda chubby, and he was Asian. We were kinda sneaking around in the store playing tag, and running around. Well we got yelled at every time we'd sneak around the corners, by the people that worked there. Then some how we got to this apartment place and I was collecting or looking for something. I gave my sister this big white bag and she was taking it down stairs, and that's when I saw a bunch of coins that I tried to grab, but couldn't get to it. Anyways I get downstairs to a red SUV and a little girl with a doll. The thing is, the girl is kinda like my sister or cousin, and the doll comes to life when the two of them are alone. I get in the front seat joking around, and that's when some guy who I guess was a father figure yelled at us to get in the back seat. So we were crammed in the back seat, or I felt that I was crammed in the back and it was weird to me. We were driving, and the person next to me turned into my my cousin Diana. I could barely understand her, but I ended up talking about walmart, and agreeing with whatever she was saying. That's all I can remember now, so T.N.T

Distrubing People on Facebook

2008-07-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

I try not try not to cause any drama or issues with people, but I guess me and drama/trouble go hand in hand. Now I'm on facebook, but I don't really use it, because I don't understand it. I did have facebook before it got big, but I preferred myspace until I got my account hacked on there. Anyways, one of the many applications that I have is the human pet. Where you can buy your friends as pets, and blah blah. So I haven't had much issues with that app, except when I accidentally buy a pet, but lately that I haven't done that. Well for the past week or few days, some guy came outta nowhere and bought one of my precious pets. (the precious, my precious...ok get it out of your system now.) So we went back and forth getting the pet, then he started buying ALL of my friends that I bought, and bought me. Later on he named me annoying, which i can only guess means because I wont go down without a fight. Still going back and forth and renaming me "Villain" this time, I still tried holding on to my favorite pet. This time to test if he was really trying to mess with me I bought some more friends that no one outside my circle knows them. Today I found out that he bought them too, and named me "Bloody Tampon" yes that's right, bloody tampon. That's gross, and I've had enough. I'm keeping my favorite pets, and I bought myself, the next time that guy buys me, and names me something like that, he's gonna get a piece of my mind. Ok until next time which should be really soon.

24hrs

2008-07-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with my sleeping habits. Some nights I'll stay up til 4am or a bit later then fall asleep for a few hours to be awaken by the loud people in my house getting ready to go to work. Other nights I'll just be up for almost 24hours not sleepy. Maybe I have too much on my mind, and it's keeping me from sleeping. I'm not scared to sleep, and see what dreams may come, but I don't know what the problem is. I don't really remember most of my dreams now, which kinda makes me wonder what's gonna happen in the future. When this happens I'll see something going on, that doesn't make sense at the time. For example, "I'll be in a room with people I've never seen before and talk about some absurd subject." I'll think to myself in the dream that I know this will never happen, but it does, and I can't stop it. Later on I'll be awake and the situation will happen. I guess it's not too bad, but it's never important. Anyways, this probably isn't making any sense at all, because it's past 6am, and I haven't slept yet. Well good bye and hopefully I'll fall asleep after.

It's been a while

2008-07-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't updated this in a while. A few things has happened since my last post. I've gotten in touch again with some old friends back home, and had the chance to hang out again. Going to the mall, movies, spa parties, carnivals. I've also had time to go visit with family, which is a change from when I was going to school. It feels like I haven't left, but I still notice the changes that happened while I was gone. The biggest things on my mind now are my trips, mostly to Canada, and my 21st birthday coming up too. Which I keep having dreams about. I wanna work on an art project, and hopefully that will clear my mind, and keep me calm. So this update will be short, but to the point.

Oozinator

2008-06-22T03:36:00.000-07:00

I'd love to meet the person who created this toy, I mean it's just WOW! I wanna play with this toy, because I know it'll be a blast... or squirt lol. Major pumping required, it oozes out, and the stuff looks like... yeah, so if anyone owns this or knows where i can get it, please tell me or let me play with it please

My Private Moments are not so Private

2008-06-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

No matter what I do to make sure I have alone time, or no one is around, someone walks in at the wrong moment at the wrong time lately. Lets take the first mishap. I was doing a video tag from youtube, and unfortunately it required me to be naked, but have it appropriate so that I'm not flagged or banned from youtube. Well right when I finished taking off all of my clothes, my roommate enters in the room. I'll post the video explain at the bottom. 2nd time I was being silly and flirting with this guy and was gonna show him my butt, but with clothes fully on, and who walks in when I'm bent over... my 11 year old cousin. asking what I was doing? Luckily she didn't see him, but she did see the camera and it was awkward to explain.The most recent and probably most embarrassing moment would have to be last night when i was fooling around, and thought I was in a private place when a girl I sort of know came in at another wrong moment when i was with someone. It's starting to come to mind that I'm not allowed to have private time, because a girl I know will walk in at a moment when I'm half or full naked with a camera around. These people probably think I do pron, but I don't. Oh well, let's hope I can one day get a private moment

They Know my secret

2008-05-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

They found out, and I'm starting to freak out. All I can think about is all of them asking me questions, judging, looking to find out what's wrong. Telling me I need rehab, or something. They found one of my many diary entries at my godparent's house. I can't clearly remember what I had written, but I know it was about how I miss being younger, my depression over the years, and how things would be better if I was gone. I thought I brought that notebook with me back home and had it closed, but apparently I didn't. They found it, and opened it. They know almost everything, and I can't play it off as a joke, or some story I'm writ ting. They're concerned, and who can blame them. If I read some of the things I wrote I would be worried too. I can no longer hide this monster in the closet and it scares me that it's now released into the world. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. It's spreading like a virus, and I can't run away or bottle it in. I don't know how my family will react, because I know they're gonna find out soon. Then even more things will change. Have I always secretly wanted them or anyone to know? Has this been my cry for help, that I've been waiting for? I don't know what's gonna happen next, and that's probably what scares me the most.

2008-05-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back home, and only a few things have changed. So much stuff went down in LA my head is still spinning. I'm done with traveling I think for a while, until august. I wanted to sign up for online summer classes to get ahead, but that's not happening. When I came back home, I pretty much lost everything. Not the physically lost stuff like a book, or keys, just the stuff you can't really buy, like freedom, privacy, love, etc. I'm back around family, so I can't do the stuff that usually would be looked down upon. Most likely I'll be on my good behavior. I also lost my room to my aunt and cousin, so I get to sleep in the living room on the couch. And for love, I don't know. Things start out as I find out someone likes me, and I don't feel the same way about them until they find someone else, aren't interested, or some other thing. Anyways I guess that guy lost interest in me, so I need to move on. I need someone less weird, cute, smart with a job and a plan in life. But i know that's never gonna happen and I'm gonna settle with someone that meets the standard of having a pulse. Wow I'm a bigger downer, but I like to think of the glass being half full. I just hope that the one day when I'm taken, all the ones that I fell for at one time, regrets that they weren't with me, or wonder if they're life would have been better or different if they had ended up with me. Ok time for sleep, or mindless tv. until next time, which is mostly tomorrow, laterz.

So long roommate

2008-05-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

I finally got out of the dorm and will no longer see that evil roommate that drove me crazy. I'm not sure if I became more responsible living without the family around, or I'm just the type of person to find something annoying about everyone, but the things she did was a bit ridiculous. She wouldn't clean anything in the room unless it was time to move out of the dorm for the semester, and in that case she still didn't do anything except take out her trash. Even the sink that we both used everyday was dirty and covered with hair unless i cleaned it. The sink really didn't bother me though, but at least try to keep it hair free for the day after I clean it, or wipe the mirrors clean. We basically had everything split down the middle, until later in the semester when she started leaving her junk around my part of the sink. Oh let's not forget the bathroom.

The toilet was dirty too, and still wasn't cleaned until I cleaned it.( hair, mildew, etc.)
She never provided, or placed any toilet paper in the bathroom. Or threw away the roll when it was done
The shower was dirty also, just like the toilet. (hair, mildew, etc)
After she would shower the floor would be soaking wet, and we even had a bathroom rug to prevent that. ( It was like she was avoiding to get that wet, because that was the only dry thing on the floor since everything was wet.)

I didn't care that she came in really early in the morning, but I hated how the room smelled like Koren food, or whatever she was eating at the time. We didn't talk that much and when we did it lasted for about 10-15mins at the most. I know I couldn't live in an apartment with her, if I ever had the choice to, so hopefully next semester at school, I'll have a better roommate, or who knows, I'll get the chance to have my own room like the old days (yea right)

School's almost out!

2008-05-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

Wow, I've almost completed a whole school year away from home. I remember when I first came to the dorm, and said good bye to my mom for the first time. I started to cry, and then she was crying. I knew I had to get away, but I also knew I would be alone. It's been a crazy school year, and I think I've learned a lot, or learned something. I've met some rude, interesting and nice people here. My only regret is that I didn't get to make as many friends as I had hoped. Things didn't go as planned, but next year I plan on joining a club, and talking more to my classmates. Over all I guess it was worth it, with the roommate getting on my nerves, rushing to get projects on time, sleeping in because I didn't feel like going to class. It's kinda sad that the people I am close to now, or talk to all the time are far away. But I have a feeling that one day, even if we do lose touch from each other, we will meet again or live around each other...most likely in California, but we'll relive those memories of being Internet nerds.

I Don't Know If I Should Stay

2008-05-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

I love this song, and it's been describing the differnet stages in my life part of last year, and now.

Where’s my will,
Can I find a way,
The earth is wild,
And I can’t sit still,

A familiar sound,
A familiar voice,
Makes it so hard,
To make a choice,
I don’t know if I should stay,

A thousand stars,
You will have my word,
I’m brightening up,
To fill these cracks,

A familiar place,
A familiar voice,
Makes it so hard.
To make a choice,
I don’t know if I should stay,

I ran to you like water
I threw my body in
And I'll stand up on the ocean
Just to show you that I am strong, strong
But what if I am wrong

A familiar look
A familiar smile
Makes it so hard
To make a choice
I don’t know if I should stay away

My friendlyness get me into trouble

2008-04-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm way too friendly. I've always been that way, and can't seem to stop it. I don't mind people telling me their secrets since they trust me, but a lot of things I don't want to hear, and it's mostly from guys that tell me these things. In my mind it goes like this

guy: So my balls hurt, and are blue
me: Umm, ok?
guy: I had this wet dream about...
me: uhh...(omg, why are you telling me this?!)
guy: I saw everything, and it smelled like a$$
me: wtb??!?!(what the beep!)
guy: now what if I handed you handcuffs, and I ____ you?
me: wow, can you just stop, please. why me?

that's just a sample of the things I hear, and it can get pretty bad with the girls too

girl: It's that time of the month
me: oh gawd
girl: his ___ is _ long, but it's hairy
me: ok, eww hairy
girl: i got so drunk that I licked ___
omg, no stop right there

so people, i don't mind hearing your stories, but somethings should be kept to yourself.

I Hate Change, but Change is Good?

2008-04-20T02:46:00.000-07:00

A couple of times, some people have told me that I've changed, but not changed in a bad way, just more out there, or out going. I don't think that I've changed, or if I have it's not by that much. I think it's just more of my personality coming out, and I'm hiding less of it. I am spreading my opinion more, which is giving me more of what I want. Things are kind of going my way. My acting has gotten a tiny bit better. This time in class I wasn't the topic of badness. Bill Fagerbakke the guy from "Coach" and the voice of Patrick from "Sponge Bob" came to my class. He also sat next to me, and after watching me act on screen, he gave me some positive feed back. I wish I had gotten an autograph or something, but he was a really cool person. I am over school though. I want it to be over, and head to LA! But after LA I'm not sure what my plans are exactly with someone.

Glow Sticks?

2008-04-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

So I had the weirdest dream today. I was dreaming I was in summer classes. One of my teachers from acting for directors was talking about cinematography books. Then this other mean teacher lady was talking, and I heard her say, you guys are all homos. My friend travis started laughing because he's gay, and tell's his straight friends that they are all homo's....homo sapiens. He later said to me "Can we adopt her, I love her." I gave him a funny look, because I knew she was the mean type. Anyways, we were sitting at this black labortory table, and was given a bag of little tubes that had liquid inside

2008-04-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

Sickness Sucks Big TIme

2008-04-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

Blah, I feel really sick. And nope not the love, sea, or car sick. I am kind of home sick, now that I think of it. I haven't seen my family since spring break, and I just want this school year to be over so that I can go back home, and travel. Speaking of travel, Me and my two friends are going to LA for a friend's birthday party. We want to spend a week there, but it's gonna cost a lot. Hopefully we can convince a certain someone to let us stay with. It's gonna take a miracle, and all of my skills to make this work, so I need this to happen. After that trip, I need my passport for the Canada gathering in August. I can't wait for that one. A group of five including me are going to stay together, and it's only 4 days after my birthday! I'm going to get me a little cake to celebrate when i get there, and we should do karaoke. I'm making a note of that. I do really wish that this person would go with us. I'll keep bugging them until they do. Hmm, well that's for the future, and I'll discuss that later. Oh and by the by, people need to cover their mouths when they cough, and wash their hands. Stop getting me sick!

History Likes to Repeat itself Over and Over Again

2008-04-06T03:10:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like ms. Jaded J is back to where she started. I spent this week crying over life, love and school. Finally got things back to order by taking a break from everyone, and reflecting on what's going on in my life. I realized I suck at acting, not bad at writing stories, and when it comes to love, I make a full circle from where I started. Filming that project was really tiring. We got lost looking for the location, didn't get all the shots I wanted, and when I went to the building to edit, the doors where locked. But there's always tomorrow, which is when I have to finish editing for class on Tuesday. Anyways I learned that people can surprise you with their habits/ways. I'm hoping it's just tough love with my god parents, but lately I can't depend on them on a lot of stuff. I don't expect them to wait on me hand and foot, but I ask them politely for things, or when they have time can they take me somewhere. I mostly get an ok from them, but when the time comes for them to help me out, they fail. I mostly need my car and or a car, so that I don't have to depend on other people to give me a ride. FYI my mother has the car so that she can handle things back home, while I go to school in a different city. Well that's pretty much the tip of what's going on in life and school, as for love...well that's another blog entry.

Back To Black

2008-03-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

Things seem to go back to the way they were with my life in middle school and parts of high school. In this I mean mean my state of mood. Depression. I have never told anyone about how depressed I was back then, just kept it to myself. I also had frequent thoughts of suicide, but I could never get myself to do it. I'm not depressed to the point where I want to do that now. I'm doing much better than that, but I am depressed. Things are falling apart, people lie, are fake, or just let me down. I have yet to find someone that I can depend on. From the early age, I knew I had to do things on my own, and only depend on myself for everything, but can I get a little helping hand? I tend to catch myself thinking, "What if I did this instead of that, or what if I stayed here, would things still play out the way they are now?" I've decided that I needed to take a break from everyone so that I can miss it. If I don't, I'm deleting everything that gave me some joy or entertainment instantly. Lately the only time I'm at peace is when I'm asleep, but I can't control what I dream about. I need this week to be over with school, friends and life, so that I can stop crying, but I wont let ever let anyone see me crying. Like I said keep my feelings to myself, and put others before me. My friend Travis showed me this song "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse, and even though it's a sad song that I can relate to, it's the only one I can listen to now without crying.

Always wanting what I can never have

2008-03-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

I think it was Woody Allen that said, "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member", basically this means, you only want the things you can't have, and the things you do have, you're not satisfied with. I hate that this my usual ways with everything. I'm not gonna lie, I do like attention. Better yet, I crave it, but I'm not desperate to get it. If I don't get it, I'm not gonna force myself or anyone else to get it. If you give it to me, great! If not, then oh well, I'll live and move on. The thing with the attention I get is, when you stop paying attention to me, and give it to someone else, I do get jealous, but you'll never see it. I like to think of jealously as one of my best friends. I mean I didn't really meet jealously until elementary school, like first or second grade, and we would say our usual Hi, or hey, but we didn't get close until middle school. Then in middle school, we kind of dated here and there, but it was nothing serious. Jealously would show up at my door, I'd let them in with those green eyes I couldn't resist, then when jealously was done with me, left like I wouldn't hear from them again. Lately Jealously has been leaving me messages that they're gonna come back and visit, and as much as I'm trying to avoid, ignore, and disregard them, I have a feeling it's not going away. Anyways, I really need to find something to get me over jealously so that I can move on. But the attention I'm getting keeps me held down. I know none of this is making sense, but I'm just as confused as the next person.

Stuck in every way possible

2008-03-25T01:13:00.000-07:00

I always knew i was a procrastinator, and I said, "You're not a pro until you hit college", well guess what, I've made pro, and I'm still running in the league strong for 3 years. I try really hard, well i try... I attempt to make an effort not to procastinate, but when I do, it's like everything works against me, and I have to procastinate. Luckily I work well under pressure, but I'm getting stuck with coming up with decent ideas for school work, youtube projects, and of course that thing that always gets me into trouble, or causes me trouble... my love life, or lack of it. Yeah if you haven't guessed, I'm stuck in that department. i think Stacie Orrico said it best with these lyrics: [Chorus:]I can't take itWhat am I waiting for?I'm still breakingI miss you even moreAnd I can't fake itThe way I could be forI hate you but I love youI can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]It's trueI'm stuck on you. anyways this song is pretty much my song when a crush goes nowhere, so it goes out to more than one guy

If You See This.... Will Things Change?

2008-03-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday someone asked me if I was mad at them, and it scared me because I thought they found my blog. I know what you're thinking, "If you don't want people to confront you on what you wrote, then don't write it!" Well this is my blog, and kind of like my personal journal. I don't care that other people read it, because it's the only thing I can turn to when I need to release these feelings. Anyways, I was lucky that they weren't talking about my blog, but maybe they should have read it to know what's going on with me, so that everything could be out in the open. But you're also probably thinking, "well why don't you just give them the link to the blog, or tell them what's going on!" Easier said than done, I would rather they stumble upon it, or something. Then when they ask me about it, I'll tell them the complete truth. I had a nice talk with a friend who is going through the same stuff as me, and we've both had enough of it. Some days I'm like, "where are you, so I can take a flight to where you are, and be with you." and other days are like, "I don't want go through this, so don't bring me into your world anymore."

I've Never Had a Love Like This, so I'm Damaged because you Touched My Body, and have No Air

2008-03-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

I love the songs, "Never Find a Love Like This"- Natasha Bedingfield, "Damaged" - Danity Kane, "Touch My Body" - Mariah Carey, and "No Air"- Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown. These songs bring me out of my bad mood, and I can't stop playing them over and over and over again.

SeeqPod - Playable Search

I'm Not your Replacement Girl

2008-03-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Even though I like the song "Replacement Girl" by Drake aka Aubrey Graham from Degassi, I'm not about to be these "guys" I know, their replacement girl. What this means is whenever their girls that they're suppose to be soo into is gone, the treat me like I'm theirs. I'm tired of being in second place, or the substitute. Then if I decide to go visit someone else you guys get jealous and give me grief about why I don't go to you first. What's up with that? Do you expect me to always be waiting for you? Maybe you'll realize that I'm not the kind you want to lose, so if you don't start changing your ways, I'll change my ways around you. I've learned you rules to the game, and guess what? You're not gonna cheat your way anymore with me here. Anyways check out Replacement Girl video on here.

Jewella's View

2008-03-18T03:09:00.001-07:00

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After the gathering

2008-03-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

When we were leaving the gathering, Renetto was trying to go with us for the after party, but we ditched him and went to the car. That's when Mr. proof was getting frisky with yours truly. While Tim was paying $35 dollar parking, Sam and I was flirting and joking around, or so I thought. Sam said, "So bubbles (bubbles is my nickname by the way), wanna make out even though I'm still sick?" I thought my sarcasm was really obvious; "Yes, now! I have cough drops." but I guess not, because he grabbed my butt, then told the girl that was with us to sit in the front so that we can make out. I felt really awkward, sat in the front, and kept my eyes forward. When we got to the hotel we had to walk about a block because there was no good parks available, but as we walked there Sam didn't stop he flirting with, "My hands are cold, bubbles I need to warm them (trying to unbutton, and unzip my jacket) let me warm them." I could only responded with "Sam! and nooooo." But at the hotel we all had lots of laughs with the other people there, then decided to move the party to Christopher mast's house because it's bigger. We got there, and everyone was singing mostly songs that I've never heard of, and adding words to the song to make it sound dirty. I got a little bored, and hungry so me and Tim ditched them to go out to eat some Subway, then look for an open coffee shop. We walked for a while and it was nice because we did a lot of talking, and connected really well. Even when we did find a place that had coffee, their machine was broken so we got hot chocolate and talked some more. Time seemed to fly but we soon left and headed back to Christopher's house, but instead we walked around a little more and checked out the art gallery, and I wanted to do karaoke but Tim said that he needed to be drunk for that and next time, he'll let me take him. We finally went back and said our goodbyes to everyone, but I was waiting for Sam to say goodbye to him, which was probably a bad idea. When I finally got Sam's attention we hugged, but then he said something and grabbed my boob. I was super shocked and speechless, and so was Tim. Then he said, might as well make it even then grabbed the other one. I couldn't react, I was like frozen, but thank gawd I had 2 jackets, and 2 shirts on so he mostly grabbed clothes. Tim and I left to go back to his aunt's house and talked about the whole day, and how crazy it was. We repeated last night's event by going to sleep to a movie, then set the alarm to 9:00am for me to head to the airport. I got ready, but it was really windy, and I was hoping that my flight was canceled so I could stayed in San Fran longer, but it wasn't. I said my last goodbye to Tim, and waited for my delayed plane to take me back to school.

I'm blaming San Fran for my great time there

2008-03-01T15:35:00.001-08:00

So after the trauma of getting to San Fran Tim was trying to find a cafe for us to eat at, which we couldn't find so we settled on Wendy's. It was weird meeting him face to face, instead of talking to him on the phone or IMing each. I mean I've seen him before many times, but it's like meeting that celebrity you've always wanted to meet, and can't believe that they're actually real were you can touch them. OK that's sounding a bit weird, but whatever. We got back to his Aunt's house and like the nerds we are got on his computer talking to our other friends that i made it safely. We stayed up talking, and decided to watch a foreign movie called Delicatessen, about people being chopped up for food. Weird movie, but it was good; kind of a comedy/horror. Well poor Tim was having neck problems, and could barely turn his neck. I massaged his shoulders and neck, which was a bit awkward for me. He was moaning and saying I was hired, but I couldn't stop laughing. I guess from the sexual tension I was feeling, I can't help but laugh when I feel awkward. Anyways Tim fell asleep (snoring) before the movie ended, then I said goodnight and went to sleep. The next morning I dreaded waking up, and ignored my alarm. Even Tim was trying to figure out a way to wake me up. I finally got up and we got to the gathering. The plan was to meet people, avoid a girl he wanted to stay away from, then later go to an after party. We walked around looking for other youtubers, and ran into supricky06 where he kept putting me on video to his live video account. After we left him, we ran into Sam Proof where Sam picked me up, and to hold on I had to wrap my legs around him. When he finally put me down he said "I just had Bubbles on my junk, and no one took a pic or video!?" I was a little startled, but went on enjoying the gathering. I did more talking, but took less pictures which was unfortunate. We went out to eat, got a t-shirt, and went to the aquarium.There was so many people there and I wish I could have talked or taken pictures with all of them. There was this one annoying guy that was giving away his trash, and his head shots. Besides that, I had lots of fun, even though the weather sucked. It was after the gathering, where I had the most fun and enjoyed myself the most.

Trying to make it to San Fransico

2008-02-29T20:08:00.000-08:00

Everything seemed to go fine that Friday morning when I was getting ready to go to San Fran. I got off of work on time, I was going to get a ride to the airport from my godparents, finally finished packing which took forever. All I needed to do was call my godmother to pick me up and take me to the airport where I would meet Tim and start having fun in San Fran, but noooo my luck is never that good. I call my godmother at the time she told me to call her, and she said that it wouldn't be enough time, and I would miss my flight if I waited for her, so my best bet was to call a cab. A little angry at the fact that I would have to pay, when I was suppose to get a ride from her, I called the cab in a rush because they are usually good at picking me up in 15 mins. Unfortunately the cab gods were not on my side. They said that one should be there 15-30mins, and to call if they are not there yet. Well I waited, and wait, and etc, still no cab, so I called and they said that they are trying to get me one. Hours pass, and I kept calling, and still no cab. I was getting mad; my godparents said it was getting late for them to take me to the airport now, and there was no one to take me to the airport. I was so angry I wanted to cry, but since I am the type to repress those kind of emotions I held it in. Tim was trying hard to calm me down, but I just wanted to scream and get out of there anyway I could. My flight did end up being delayed, but after 3hrs of no cab, and still at my dorm I still missed my flight. Fortunately I got a hold of uncles girlfriend, and took me to the airport. I get to the airport on a standby flight, and finally make it to San Fran. I was so angry that day, that I forgot about being nervous to meet Tim for the first time, and my nerves about going to the gathering. Tim was helpful on making me look on the brighter side, and I thank him for that.

The SanFran Adventure!

2008-02-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

This year I got to go to the San Fran gathering at pier 39, but making it to San Fran was one of my biggest problems I had to face. When talk about the San Fran gathering in December started, I was 95% sure I wasn't able to go. I would be in the middle of school, and i would have no one to go with me on the trip. With lots of convincing and a great time at the last gathering I got the OK to go on the trip. I thought my mother was going to go with me, but with money it was going to be really hard for her to make it. Luckily for me, my friend Tim was also going on the trip, but like me waited til the last minute to find a hotel to stay at. He came up with the idea that we should share a room to save on money, and we could hang out at the gathering together. The only problem was telling my mom "I want to share a hotel room with a boy I've known for about 3-4 months, by ourselves in a city I've never been to before." Yea not the best way to explain or tell my mother that, so I had to come up with some story that would allow me to go. I could only come up with the idea that my friend Lyssa was going with me, but that didn't seem like it was enough to work with, so Michelle told me to tell my mom that Tim was also going, but he was MEGA gay. I tried it, and it worked! The only problem was finding a good hotel that was close and cheap. Time was running short, and no good hotel. Tim said screw it, we're staying at my aunt's house. I was worried about that, but the stay would be free, and at a home. The only problem was explaining this to my mother again, but she understood and was OK with this. Everything seemed to go well until the day i had to leave........

End the Road to my Obsession

2008-02-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

To continue where I left off, she went to the gathering all nervous and such, but had the support of her good friend to keep her nerves at ease. She met lots of interesting people and when the mystery man(PS) appeared, she was excited to meet him. They hugged, laughed and joked around, but just like Cinderella she had to be home at a certain time. Upset she said her last good-byes to her new friends she made, and gave her last hug to (PS). Time passed and they still talked, but he responded to her less and less. He spent most of his time talking to another girl, which made her lust for him slowly die. Even though this made her sad to lose him, she was glad that her obsession with his pervyness was over... or so she thought. Another get-together is coming up, and this will test if there is anything left for them to make their friendship something more. Should she make sure he behaves like a good boy? Or turn his world upside down by letting the bad girl side of her come out how he likes? Time will only tell, so.................... til next time

The Road to my obession of stickam

2008-01-31T22:50:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was girl who was addicted to a website name youtube. There was so many interesting and random videos, that she spent most of her time finding and watching them. One late night on youtube, she spotted a video pic of a guy that reminded her of Channing Tatum. She quickly clicked on the video, so not to miss her one chance of watching this video. To her amazement it wasn't him, but a youtuber by the name of Rocci Giovanni Berrini. Not only did she think he was cute, but really funny. She made it her mission to watch all of his videos, and that's when she developed a crush. She discovered that he a myspace, and asked to be his friend. There she discovered that he made more videos, that were equally funny, and then his video about stickam.com arrived. Curious about what stickam was about she joined in his chat to find that he was actually interacting with others online, and this was her chance to get to know him more. After the first day in his chat, she got an account, and couldn't wait for him to go live. Everyday she would check to see when he would come on, and everyday he did. He told stories from his past, and all she could think about was how wonderful he was. But tragedy struck, and he stopped coming to his chat. Sadden by the fact that she wouldn't get to talk to him like they use to she moved on to another youtuber that she found on stickam, by the name of Supricky06. Unlike Rocci's room she didn't feel accepted. There was inside jokes that she didn't understand, and the host didn't seem to care that she was there, until one day they made a connection through music. That one song that brought these two people together started a wonderful friendship. She also became a regular, but just like the last chat, he stopped coming to his chat regularly. It was a long process but lucky she found a room that was friendly to her, and she already knew some of the people in there. She met the host of the chat (which will remain a mystery for now) and chatted with him for a bit. It wasn't until her friend that always flirted with him, was absent from the room, that she did the flirting with him for once. It was all fun and games, until she decided to push her game with him further. She pretended to be another person, but he saw through her disguise. She was determined to keep up the act, and in the mist of the conversation he told her that she was "still an annoying b*tch". She hoped that he was joking, but it did hurt her, and she thought that he disliked her, so she stopped flirting with him. He still made sarcastic comments to her in personal messages, but she still wasn't sure if he liked her or not. Time passed and an announcement of get-together was coming up, where she would meet all of the guys she's had crushes on from youtube. Well this is the first stop of this chapter, but we'll continue next time

The start of something.....good??

2008-01-25T02:35:00.000-08:00

This isn't my first blog, but it will be the one I'll stick and continue with. I will enclose every detail both good and bad about what goes on in me rl and E-life on here, and hopefully i can look back to turn this into some kind of book, or it will give me a laugh on how foolish i was when i let the things turn into a huge problem. OK now that i have bored myself, let's get to the details

Not to sound emo or depressed but it's easy to say that for the next few years at my college, i will alone with no close friends to hang out or party with. Mostly everyone here has their own clique and I'm not rich, popular or athletic to be in any of them. I do miss my friends back home, but back at home i have less freedom to explore and do what i want to do. I'm glad my family is there for me, but I'm tired of taking care of everyone and i just want me time... is that being selfish? Even when I'm with my friends i feel like a third wheel, because everyone has someone, whether it's their boyfriend, ex, or even a child. I think back of all the times when i was too scared to ask if that "one boy" who we will call Josh B. really liked me, and were the rumors true, but that's for another blog. Or what if I gave that "creepy blind date" guy with the gross breath a chance with me, would things be different? It creeps in my head sometimes that I wont find that person that loves me, or I end up not loving them back til it's too late. OK now it's getting sappy, well I'm ending for today,
Til Next Time